The Transformed Hill of Me

I went home recently. It was the first time I have ever visited my hometown abstinent and sober.

It was scary. Tropical storm Cindy was making Her presence known. Gusts of torrential water blurred my windshield as I sought the hill.

The hill where I was date raped at age 16.

To this day, it is clear in my mind. Three trailers – 2 visible from the highway and one tucked higher on the hill in the edge of the forest. It was a tiered hill, flat spaces driven created for the trailers. A wedding cake hill frosted by tall trees.

I was in the 2nd trailer when he raped me. The trailer, upon the hill, held my pain. I had seen the trailer 5 years ago when I visited my hometown. It seemed unchanged from the highway. I was certainly unchanged 5 years ago because I refused to fully accept the truth of the rape.

Now I accept it. I state the fact, and I am working to heal.

I took a flower with me when I went home recently. I chose a daylily which constantly blooms. I chose yellow because the third chakra’s color is yellow which represents the self. My sense of self has grown since joining OA almost 3 years ago. I wanted to make my mark of personal strength by planting a yellow perennial flower on that hill.

But that hill was gone. Not only the trailers but the entire hill. The hill had been transformed along with the nearby land. It was pushed into a giant hill on which a giant house looked down imperiously on the highway.

So I improvised. The rain slackened as I found a small driveway nearby. I pulled into a fork in the road, and I squatted above the wet grass to plant the flower. I dug into the gravel and dirt and nestled the sunny daylily into the earth.

I spoke of honoring my 16 year old self. I spoke of forgiving myself and him, my ex-boyfriend, my rapist.

I expected to have a transforming moment while planting the flower.

Instead, I felt bittersweet, a dull piercing of the heart. I felt a little sad and a little happily amazed at my courage. I also felt strong due to a recent jetski adventure which made my thighs sing when I squatted to plant. It was a great sting in the muscles caused by a joyous moment of fortitude and glee, so I reveled in its song. My sadness and fear were therefore balanced by my peace and happiness. Peace from a closer conscious contact with my Higher Self.

Persephone was with me upon that hill. She rode with me in the car upon the mountain to my rural hometown. We listened to a lot of Bjork  and screamed together in the rain. Her Presence offered me comfort and safety.

She held me while I planted the flower. Amazingly, the rain stopped when I stepped out of the car. She gave me the ability to forgive myself and my rapist. She gave me the ability to seek out a feared place and claim it as mine.

I claim my story, and I claim my healing.

Since returning home, I have shared this story with several people. They pointed out the face that I transformed before I returned to the hill. I had already transformed through hard work and willingness. Physically, I’ve released over 120 pounds. Mentally, I’ve challenged my toxic thoughts and learned techniques to reframe my distorted thinking. Emotionally, I have become more balanced. Spiritually, I have become more unified with Source – Higher Power.

I am amazed at myself. I pray each day that I remain abstinent, so I may continue to transform and be closer to Oneness. Pray to help others and be present in love.

Jai Bhagwan

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