blank, an apocalypse of one,I am not I.instead, I am it -a consumer,a destroyer,a zombiewhose lone agenda is to spread contagionso the emptiness inside becomes the emptiness everywhere andlife is a smear of gray.
The Why of my Recovery
I came into the rooms motivated solely by fear and desperation. I was 360 pounds (I think – scale stopped working), and I was living to eat. My day started with the obsession and ended with obsession. But I didn’t even really know I had the obsession. All I knew was that I was going […]
Process of Relapse
I need help. I need to acknowledge I am in the process of relapse. I have been hiding. Avoiding. Escaping. Living in a world that doesn’t exist. I move from work to reading a novel or playing a video game, never allowing time for thoughts to form. Never allowing space for my emotions to make […]
The Growth of Honesty
I have done many, many fourth steps since joining OA in 2014. I answered the OA 4th guide workbook questions, did the OA 12 Step Workshop forms as well as a Big Book approach with forms written by AA group I found online. Last February, I found Lawrie’s workbook (oabigbook.info) and followed the instructions which […]
The Decision to Follow True North
Step three is the decision to turn over my will and life to the care of Higher Power. As I mentioned in yesterday’s blog, the idea of Higher Power being True North and the other 359 degrees of the compass being my self will speaks to me on many levels. The Big Book discusses step […]
The Power Problem: We Agnostics and The Spiritual Experience
Once I accept that I am powerless over my compulsion to stop the mental obsession and trigger the physical cravings that start active addiction, I must decide if I want to continue in the cycle of white knuckle “control” and relapse OR seek a power outside myself to solve the whole mess for me. As […]
There is a Solution & More About Alcoholism: The Addict’s Hope & Hopelessness
Hope and hopelessness are woven through the two Big Book chapters, “There is a Solution” & “More About Alcoholism”. We are given a glimpse of the hope in step two, recovery through a spiritual transformation, then hit again and again and again with the hopelessness of step one, in particular the mental obsession. The genius […]
Bill’s Story: A Compulsive Eater’s Identification
When I first joined OA, I was amazed to learn all the ways I identified with Bill W as a Compulsive Eater and alcoholic. My life was very different than his, but the overall arc was the same. I feel different. I didn’t belong. So I turned to food. Later, like Bill, I discovered alcohol […]
The Doctor’s Opinion & Complete Abstinence
Christmas Eve I had a relapse. I was resting on spiritual laurels and not rigorously honest through 10th steps. Thus, the insanely trivial upset of my husband forgetting enough stuffers to fill my stocking triggered the obsession and sanity did not return, I did not turn to HP or the steps and tools of OA. […]
The Tale of the Beast and the Architect
There is a beast that dwells in my house. It is a foul beast – stench hovers about it, a cloud of rot that coats and clings stubbornly to every surface it touches. It is cruel and humorless – it exacts terrible revenge for each perceived slight and imagined transgression. Its weapons are infinite; an […]
