I need help. I need to acknowledge I am in the process of relapse.
I have been hiding. Avoiding. Escaping. Living in a world that doesn’t exist. I move from work to reading a novel or playing a video game, never allowing time for thoughts to form. Never allowing space for my emotions to make themselves known beyond a slow simmer of discontent.
My discontent hasn’t come out in my food. I haven’t binged. Yet I am avoiding recovery work. I am avoiding meetings or not participating much when I do attend. The last one I spoke at was three weeks ago and when I spoke, I said the words of recovery but didn’t feel them. I said I was grateful for abstinence, and I suppose I am grateful. But I don’t feel it.
I don’t feel much or acknowledge that I feel much. Instead, I run. Run from the feelings, run from what life that is presenting itself to me – a reality in which what I want isn’t part of the equation.
So instead of working the steps around the fact that life isn’t what I want and my resulting discontent, I hide. I hide in the pages of books or the clips of movies instead of the bags of foods I used to hide in, but I am hiding regardless. It is only a matter of a time that I supplement the books and movies with food to increase my avoidance factor.
I really don’t want to write this blog. This acknowledgement that all is not well. This flare for help. This distress signal.