Spirit continues to amaze me with abstinence dependent upon my fit spiritual condition for the day. I am responsible for the footwork and attitude needed for abstinence to exist on a daily basis. Abstinence imparts clarity and perspective impossible when food drunk. Clarity in turn bestows gifts or self-awareness and gradual self-acceptance as I surrender my will to Spirit.
My yoga experience yesterday is a prime example of clarity giving me self-awareness and a smidge more self-acceptance. At the very end of the yoga session, my teacher guided us into plow pose. A few previous times attempting plow, I ended mired in frustration and anger at myself because of my inability to do the pose. I simmered in the negativity which then tainted the meditation following the yoga. I held onto the resentment at myself through the night and ended up eating over it. At no point did I talk to Spirit about it or reach out to another OAer. Not surprising for me to end up in the food as I depended upon self-reliance and self-will.
As I compare and contrast yesterday to my previous experience, I understand lessons learned and the direction needed for growth and progress in self-acceptance. I entered the class with the intention, “I am humble and full of self-love.” Humility kept me right size through the class when I struggled with poses or held difficult poses for longer than in the past. Yet when plow arrived, humility fled me and inferiority beset me. Disease sank its teeth into me and gnawed. I began to cry as I struggled to identify the emotions of anger, fear and sadness. Anger at myself for not being able to do the pose. Fear I would never be able to do the pose. Sadness that I couldn’t do the pose. As I identified the emotions, I allowed them to pass through me as much as possible, asking Spirit to take them, lift my fear and direct my attention to my purpose in life.
I continued to cry as we transitioned to meditation, freeing myself of the pain, bit by bit, tear by tear. Eventually, Spirit calmed me, and I slipped into the peace and quiet of meditation. When the meditation ended, I talked to my teacher who gave me pointers for working on plow and reassurance that people of all body sizes and types are able to do plow when they practice. I also texted an OA friend who practices yoga as well. She let me know I am not alone in being so hard on myself for lacking ability to do some poses. After using the tools and prayer, I felt better, but still edgy, on the brink of a binge.
So, I pulled out literature and turned my mind to a 6th step essay I am pondering. I am studying Drop the Rock and working to summarize the 6th step discussion and apply it to my program. It is a big task, but Spirit has been guiding me to find patterns and lessons in the book. I am so blessed by Spirit. Truly.
I went to sleep last night still a bit anxious and upset, but the fact I was able to sleep without a binge is a freaking miracle. For all of my life, I have used food as a sedative to sleep. Transitioning away from bedtime binges is a gift of program and Spirit. Spirit allowing me a binge free sleep last night freed me to be useful today.
The lessons given to me yesterday will stay with me. They are hard won and provide another layer of foundation for my faith in Spirit and trust in the process. Allowing the emotions to pass through me did not kill me. Praying to Spirit calmed me. Talking to my teacher and OA friend soothed me and returned me to humility – my right size – instead of feeling inferior and like a failure.
We are all practicing. We are all learning and growing. We are all together.