Act as if

Act as if I accept my powerlessness over
The depression that fades my mother to a ghost of herself,
A shade welcoming the shadows,
A mother disappearing into disease.
Act as if I accept my powerlessness over
The addiction that changes my husband
From loving to hating, from sweet to sour.
Act as if I let go of my anger, my sadness, my need
To fix, heal, soothe the invisible pains of 
Depression and addiction.
Act as if my anger has not masked my love, 
Blackened it so I cannot see the 
Person behind the illness.
Act as if my sadness has not drained my hope,
Made me a shell of myself, shut and hollow.
Act as if my powerlessness to heal others and myself has not
Transformed trust into doubt,
A trembling quiver full of questions.
Act as if I am able to speak through silence and write these words.

Act as if I am honest,
Telling the tales of my emptiness and anger.
Act as if I hold hope,
Pure in the sanctuary of my soul.
Act as if I have courage,
The ability to show my heart.
Act as if I live in integrity,
Action following intention.
Act as if willingness bubbles inside me,
Effervescent propulsion of recovery.

Act as if I am in recovery,
Accepting and letting go of defects,
Accepting and letting go of defeats,
Accepting and holding successes,
Accepting and holding myself
So this mother does not fade into 
A shade in the shadows as her mother before her.
Act as if 
so 
I can survive.