Abstinence for me is a blessed reprieve in the chaos of life. Unfortunately, my pattern over the last 20 months in OA is to sabotage that reprieve and make my abstinence as shitty as I think I deserve.
Pygmalion effect, right?
So today, I rooted down through my fear and anger about being abstinent. And yes, there is anger, too.
I discovered what this program has already taught me in so many ways, I am unhappy in my life and use food (alcohol, etc.) to ‘fix’ myself. But my realization goes deeper. Because I have been using food to numb feelings since I was a very young girl, I don’t know how to be normal. I don’t know how to exist without my numbing agent or the anticipation of the numbing agent.
That is the crux of my self sabotage. The fear of the unknown and the anger that I am 36 years old and I don’t know how to simply be.
I emailed my writings to my sponsor today, I talked to her tonight, I shared at meeting and now I am blogging. Causes and conditions are the root, I have exposed them to the Sunlight of the Spirit. Now I take myself to bed before fatigue drives me into the food.