Heavenly Father, Lost & Found

Heavenly Father, I love You.


For once, in another form,

I hated You.

You dominated me.

You condemned me.

You saved me from men

then once again

You condemned me

through the voices of men.

transcribed scribbles of fraud,

a rock made holy by tall tales.

a local legend,

the lost tribe found.

separation & elevation

of a chosen generation –

special & above in those latter days.

convenient revelations to

excuse adulterous affairs with teenage girls.

generations later,


daughter of

Mary Ellen,

daughter of


daughter of


was borne into a

marriage of sad chaos & sad complacency.

the misogyny of mormonism

robbed me of my spiritual connection with


I turned against you, my Mother’s misery a

stark testament of the torture of your law.

my own voiceless body trapped in the

machinery of mormonism.

shame flowed onto my body when

curves emerged.

I saw no value in my sexuality

until my spirit fled my violation.

then, when I called out for comfort,

it was only the

silent swan song

of suicide

that lulled me.

my worthlessness was confirmed by the rape.

certifiably shitty.

I survived self targeted hits then found

Goddess who saved me from myself.

my heart, hard to men,

began to open through Adam, Scot, Elie, Isaac


I began to see a haloed image of


dear Father,

gently cradling,

fiercely protecting,

infinitely understanding,

eternally loving


peaceful strength imbues

Me when I hear You.

As I do now.

After all these long decades,

I found the You as I knew You at age 6,

under the dining room table by Grandpa’s knees.

pleading in prayer to be the

Queen of Sorry.

years later my Blackberry Hunter Grandpa

jested to me that me winning Sorry

that long ago day made him believe

once again


God is love.

like Grandpa Ollie,

I came back to You,

just in another form.

freed from dogma, You thrive in my heart.

once my love for Goddess outshone my love

for You.

Your omnipresence in the rooms

assured me of Your love, Your acceptance,

Your power to restore me to sanity.

You entered the sanctuary of my heart

reigning with Goddess

over my thoughts & actions,


dear Alayna, You were loved

all the while from above.

sweet Alayna, You are loved

every moment from above.




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