Heavenly Father, Lost & Found

Heavenly Father, I love You.
Again.
For once, in another form,
I hated You.
You dominated me.
You condemned me.
You saved me from men
then once again
You condemned me
through the voices of men.
transcribed scribbles of fraud,
a rock made holy by tall tales.
a local legend,
the lost tribe found.
separation & elevation
of a chosen generation -
special & above in those latter days.
convenient revelations to
excuse adulterous affairs with teenage girls.
generations later,
Alayna,
daughter of
Mary Ellen,
daughter of
Ruth,
daughter of
Josephine
was borne into a
marriage of sad chaos & sad complacency.
the misogyny of mormonism
robbed me of my spiritual connection with
You.
I turned against you, my Mother's misery a
stark testament of the torture of your law.
my own voiceless body trapped in the
machinery of mormonism.
shame flowed onto my body when
curves emerged.
I saw no value in my sexuality
until my spirit fled my violation.
then, when I called out for comfort,
it was only the
silent swan song
of suicide
that lulled me.
my worthlessness was confirmed by the rape.
certifiably shitty.
I survived self targeted hits then found
Goddess who saved me from myself.
my heart, hard to men,
began to open through Adam, Scot, Elie, Isaac
until
I began to see a haloed image of
You,
dear Father,
gently cradling,
fiercely protecting,
infinitely understanding,
eternally loving
Me.
peaceful strength imbues
Me when I hear You.
As I do now.
After all these long decades,
I found the You as I knew You at age 6,
under the dining room table by Grandpa's knees.
pleading in prayer to be the
Queen of Sorry.
years later my Blackberry Hunter Grandpa
jested to me that me winning Sorry
that long ago day made him believe
once again that

God is love.

like Grandpa Ollie,
I came back to You,
just in another form.
freed from dogma, You thrive in my heart.
once my love for Goddess outshone my love
for You.
You entered the sanctuary of my heart
reigning with Goddess
over my thoughts & actions,
singing:
dear Alayna, You were loved
all the while from above.
sweet Alayna, You are loved
every moment from above.
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