The Trophy of Today

My first day in OA, I sobbed. I cried for myself, the utter pain and despair of compulsive eating and relief I had finally found others like me.

My first day in OA, I knew I was powerless but was not willing to admit it…..even to myself.

Now I have worked the steps up to 9. In my first 15 months in OA, I have grown and changed in so many ways. Yes, I have had some physical recovery. Yes, I am willing to be willing….most of the time. Yes, I embody the principles…..most of the time. Yes, I use the tools….most of the time. Yes, I am abstinent….most of the time. Yes, I am peaceful, most of the time.

Yet I have not changed at the core. I am diseased. I am an addict. I will always be a carb crack queen getting a fix down at the DQ, BK, Mickey D. I am her. She is me.

I am mother fuckingpowerless over food.

I am on day one of abstinence. Again. My sponsor reminds me that today is most important day. Someone else let me know that today’s abstinence is the real trophy, not the abstinence anniversary. The anniversaries of asbstinence are not possible without the trophy of today.

Ah, bedtime. Lovely yoga nidra than placing the trophy of abstinence just for today on the metaphysical table ready to be earned again tomorrow by practicing the steps and principles in all my affairs.