Hello, 5th Step. Hello, God. Hello, Me.

Thank you, God. I know You better now. I know better the me as You meant me to be for so long. The me You crafted with love and light. The me free from the toxic obsession with food and body. I better know how to live life – with love, honesty, consideration and tolerance.

I know You made me to tell the truth when it needs to be told. I know You made me with love and harmony, peace and joy. I can hear the song deep in my heart, waving through my bones and into the rest of the world. I know that Your light passes through me, unobstructed by the darkness of food obsession.

I know that the pain and trauma of my life serves a purpose – to learn, grow and most importantly – to help others who have suffered as I have suffered. Before tonight, I was stuck. I thought I knew. I thought I had worked the steps. I thought I knew freedom. But all I had was a taste – a mere morsel of the complete delight that comes from being utterly honest and open while completely abstinent.

Thank you, God for sharing me with me. I feel as if I finally, finally, finally have an idea of who I am. And I am a wonderful person who has so much to share with the world. I am valuable and worthy. I am capable of acceptance and tolerance. I am capable of taking the needed action on issues important to me and the world. I am capable of finally seeing and accepting truth of who I am and seeing and accepting the truth of others as they are.

Thank you, God for showing me that my job is better than I think. I am helpful to others with my work. I see that wanting my job to be perfect is harmful to me and others in my life. Thank you for showing me that I am capable of accepting my job as it is, working to improve what I can and being contented with what is.

I can see that my self-definition is not for others to decide. It is up to me and I am considerate only when I define myself fairly and justly based on rational criteria. Am I being honest? Am I motivated by helping others and doing what is best for them and me? Am I thinking of others? Am I living with trust and not fear? Am I accepting and tolerant of others and myself? The answers to these questions give the evidence for self-assessment.

And though daily I will inevitably stumble, daily I also have the ability to admit my faults, make amends and seek always to improve and grow with love and light.

Thank you, God for showing me the me as You intended me to be in my relationship with my husband. The me who is considerate, loving and present. The me who takes the actions to improve my libido (touch, massage, candles, cardio exercise, etc.) The me who tells him what I want. The me who ASKS him what he wants and LISTENS. The me who accepts my sexuality as a blessing and uses sex as an expression of love and to SHARE pleasure and happiness with my husband.

I feel as if blinders have been removed. As if I am surrounded by a world that was never there before – hidden from me by judgment, fear and selfish unacceptance of reality. I feel the presence of God as I have never before. I feel connected to the world – quite the opposite of how I related to the world when actively in my obsession.

In the obsession, I am apart, distant. I am a mummy wrapped in self-hatred and obsession.

Thank you God for showing me that being a mummy in NOT what You intended for me. The dry, crusty wrappings have fallen away – my skin is newborn, pink and delighted to feel the air of life. I know now that I can be effective in this world – not a burden but an asset.

I feel like screaming with joy. As if my skin cannot contain all the realizations and truths that course through my mind and soul. I am buzzing, electric with possibility.

I just met myself as I AM for the first time, and I’m pretty kick ass.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, God.