100 Pounds Released

The scale this morning at the doctor’s office confirmed my suspicion that I have released 100 pounds since beginning OA in September 2014. To have released so much with so little stress and anxiety is simply a miracle. For the first time in my life, I am getting healthier one day at a time and not obsessing about calories, food, and the scale. Instead, I work the 12 steps, use the tools, engage in therapy, take the medication as prescribed by my psychiatrist, and practice yoga.

My program enables me to live without excess food and be abstinent. Abstinence was sporadic for me until about 4 months ago when something finally clicked for me – mainly step 11 and maintaining conscious contact with my Higher Power. Once my connection with Higher Power clicked, my abstinence has been consistent – a blessing for which I am grateful.

Abstinence dovetails nicely with the work I am doing in therapy. I am a trauma survivor, and I began to work through the repressed pain about 2 months ago. The process has been terrible and amazing at the same time. I am learning more about myself, and I am learning the power of the program to sustain me when enduring difficulties. I can live without excess food. I can survive the emotions that course through me in waves.

Abstinence also serves as a strong foundation to work my program on a deeper and more courageous level. I have been on step 9 for about a year, procrastinating making amends to my parents. After much writing and discussion with sponsor and therapist, I finally felt ready to make the amends, starting with my Mom because I felt safer with her.

I made the amends last Sunday, and the result was painful for me but also freeing. I will discuss in my experience in a future post. I want to say for now that abstinence made it possible to make the amends. Without abstinence, I would be trapped in the ‘confines of self’ the Big Book discusses.

My current state is one of grateful abstinence, faithful trust in my Higher Power, and utter reliance on the 12 steps. The therapy work I mentioned earlier has triggered in me a distance from my Higher Power. The distance and disconnect is deeply disturbing to me, yet I am acting ‘as if’ I hear and feel Higher Power when I pray. My sponsor assures me this is a period of ‘dryness’ and the comfort will return.

Therefore, I place my trust and faith in Higher Power and the process of working the 12 steps. I have had 3 days of spiritual ‘dryness’, but Higher Power gave me a glimmer of comfort during morning prayers. I will continue to seek Higher Power, live the principles to the best of my ability, use the tools and steps, and live one day at a time. Higher Power will return to my consciousness. The Promises assure me, and I know it will happen for me just as it has scores of recovering addicts.

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