Cliff of Sabotage

Yes, dramatic. There I am, peering over into the abyss of sabotage, self-hate and compulsive eating. Tomorrow makes 30 days (2 slips) of abstinence. I feel like I am about to come apart, my skin flying off into the atmosphere while my feelings remain earthbound, riveted by pain instead of gravity.

I want to disappear into that abyss. It beckons me. It also frightens me. The slow suicide by spoon does scare me. Rightly so because it is a dangerous motherfucker.

My husband is so proud of me and supportive of me. Tonight, on our walk, a neighbor asked me, “You met your goal yet?” I said, “No” without thinking. It came out of my mouth. Probably because I don’t have a goal weight other than below 200 and I’m not there yet. Our kind neighbor also told me that she made her goal of losing 15 pounds. She was laughing and said she did it because she was jealous of me. Later, seriously, she told me I have inspired her.

So, my proud husband did me a solid and reminded me of humility, my essential humanity. When I feel exceptional, I feel unworthy. It is an intense mixture of pride and shame. Happy am I that the steps hold the answer. The principles show me how to live. I question my willingness, and I feel it growing stronger than it was this morning.

Universe also helped me today by delivering the OA literature I recently bought online. I am participating in a Public Information event. Volunteered to give information about OA and handout meeting lists to a therapy group. The PI materials said those appearing in public should be abstaining members.

So if I want to give service, I have to back away from the Cliff, turn to HP for solace and my fellows for empathy. Turn to the principles to guide my choices.

My compulsive eating hurts my family. I abstain for them and for myself. Just for today. No matter what number today is. I abstain for myself. I am divine worth.

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