Uncomfortable Comfort

HP blessed me with another day of abstinence. Now I pray for another day. I quietly ask for the peace and serenity to connect with HP through the day, make the next right choice and be in the present moment. All so I may be more useful to those around me, especially the still suffering compulsive eater.

I exercised yesterday, wogged a mile and it felt great after the first 5 minutes. Feel stronger and lighter on my feet is a blessing. It is also triggering as it brings back memories of me running compulsively, running to get away from the fat me, to escape the pain and trauma of a morbidly obese body. Now I am very slowly integrating. Allowing myself to feel the anxiety and fear, the anger and sadness. They are all logical feelings any normal person would have while adjusting to a new paradigm of living.

There will be a period of discomfort. I have faith and trust that HP will guide me if I only ask. If I use the tools and steps given to me by program. If I focus on living the principles to the best of my ability. Today, I focus on the 9th step principle of love.

Allowing the emotions to flow through me keeps them from stagnating and rotting inside me, feeding the snake of disease. Acknowledging my humanity and emotional needs is a huge step for me, so I acknowledge my effort and the discomfort associated with accepting my imperfect human nature.

My smaller body is also in the hands of HP. As I have a few weeks of abstinence, I can feel my body inevitably shrinking, either due to less bloating or actual weight loss. Regardless of the cause, I willingly place my body thoughts into the hands of HP. I ask to have my fears removed and focus my mind on what HP would have me be.

Today, I believe HP would have me exude love in all my actions and thoughts. And when I fail to live up to the principle, I acknowledge my error, share it with my sponsor, give to HP then turn my thoughts to someone else.

As my therapist says, I am acknowledging and understanding the emotions underneath the large umbrella emotions of anger, fear & sadness. The frustration is the main sub emotion today. I just realized I don’t feel a lot of anxiety today about getting smaller. It is mostly frustration that I feel uncomfortable. My script would have me be happy and completely excited about being smaller. But the frustration and discomfort are normal for some people who are moving from a life of morbid obesity to a smaller body and more balanced perspective on life. It makes sense. I make sense.

I am worthy. I am loved. I am love.

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