Glow

My yoga teacher shared her new instrument, a monochord, with the class last Saturday. I entered yoga last week, peaceful from a week of abstinence, grateful to be at class. When Katrina began to play the monochord, my cells began to dance, quiver and shake. It was a surreal experience. As she continued to play, I noticed a glow in my belly, bright and pure.

The light sang from me into the universe, carried on my breath, the music and its own essentialality. My own essentialality.

My light went through space and time to find my ancestor sisters dancing round Brigid’s fire in the green hills of the Isles. I joined them in dance for Her, our lights merged into Her Oneness.

I felt so connected.

It was beyond words, I find.

I will describe the aftereffects, now. The Glow experience triggered my food compulsion.

Yet for some reason, I forgot to tell my therapist about the Glow. Well, the reason is that the Glow scared the shit out of me. Mainly because of my false sense of unworthiness.

So I ate.

And I ate.

Disease blacked out the Glow again. I no longer felt connected. It was more comfortable and acceptable to me. I was miserable and comfortable in my pain.

Being without my defects is painful. It is a way of living totally foreign to me. Yet when I engage with the program, steps, fellowship, my sponsor & Brigid, the comfort far outstrips the false comfort of excess food and body obsession.

My Glow burns, pure and full. Disease masks it with darkness, hides Me from myself. Blind, I cope using food. Then, when, I meet Myself, blessed Ancestors & Her, I run.

I run to food. To the oblivion and the obsidian cloud it casts over the Glow.

The past week has been a journey of light, darkness and rebirth.

I find my Glow, I fall hard into the darkness of relapse. Tonight, I seek not the oblivion of food but the uncomfortable path of recovery. That happy road of destiny I trudge alongside my fellows.

Then, last night & today, rebirth. Well, it feels like rebirth for a second or two, at least.

Wish the Glow was not so easily hidden by Disease. *ugh*

The Glow kicks ass. Maybe I will go hide inside of it instead of a bowl.