I have another 80 to release to be at a healthy BMI.
Just for today, I am willing to hand it over to Brigid, Divine Mother, Healer of all wounds, Creative Fount of all inspiration, Courageous Mother, Forge of Strength.
I can feel my collarbone. It has become a worry bone. I cascade along its length, my fingers tracing its curve. My mind races and calms at the same time.
I want to scream for JOY: the strength of my body, the ability to fit into normal size theater seats, not sitting on my hip, rocking a pretty dress and having more energy: physical and emotional.
Yet lately my demons, my bedevilments, have ensared me. I prayed the 3rd step prayer with impunity and without focus. I meditated in a rage of ego, self pity and FEAR.
I am fucking scared of being smaller and the success it represents. If I reach a healthy size, I will have shed around 150-160 pounds. A person. I will have shed a person.
It freaks me the fuck out.
So I take a breath. I go to bed in my workout clothes.
Brigid whispered to me, “Move your body, joyous in strength.”
And I listen.
Just for today.
I am dressed in my workout clothes, but my devils whisper to me of my failures and forecast doom.
Yet I sit straighter. For tonight I finally released my ego to Brigid. I shut the fuck up and listened. And she gave me some groovy ideas for my altar and a Brigid art piece I am creating.
My altar so far pays homage to Brigid the courageous warrior, steadfast and stalwart in protecting family and country. She is a mountain, a forge of protection, keeper of the flame of creative inspiration and foundational assurance of my worth and abilities.
So, yeah, it’s scary to be in a smaller body. Yet, I am so grateful for abstinence and using the steps to be in closer contact to Brigid. In less than a month, I will be formally dedicating myself to Brigid. I have been Wiccan for over half my life (raised Mormon, turned Wiccan at 17). I have never dedicated myself to any particular God or Goddess.
Until February 2nd, 2016, Imbloc, Brigid’s Day. I will don a mantle of green, cast a circle, call the quarters and ask for Brigid to join me, to bless me, to make me Her own, to take me into Her being and relieve me of the bondage of self.
Brigid, Divine Mother, returns me to sanity every day. I am excited, awed and humbled to be dedicating myself to Her in 4 weeks on the day of Her celebration, Brigid’s Day.
I have faith that Brigid protects me and wills for me to joyous, happy and free. So I follow Her will right now and go to bed. In my workout clothes.