Pissed right now. I had terrible binge last week. I was able to get abstinent again and not binge, thankfully. But starting over again at Day 1…..
Well, not really…at least not at first. Because I justified that I could still be on day 35 because I didn’t binge the next day.
Then tonight in talking to a newcomer, I expressed how I have been slipping & sliding since entering program. Then I thought….where did that come from?
It came from the fact that the fucking binge did indeed put me back to Day 1. Some folks can have a binge early in abstinence and continue and not question if it is ok to still claim whatever # of days. I thought I was one of those people. But I am not.
So pissed at myself for getting over 30 days only to fall. And pissed at myself for lying to myself the last week. And pissed at myself for being stupid enough to fall for my lies. And being pissed at myself for making some mistakes tonight while leading.
I seriously dislike leading meetings, but I know I need to step out of comfort zone. So I led. And I hated it. And it hurt me. I will finish out the month…maybe…need to talk to my sponsor. She will likely suggest I take it to Mama Brigid. So that is what I will do. Pray then meditate.
Mama Brigid, please heal me from my defects of self hatred, self punishment & perfectionism.
Here I am on day 7. Trying & trying again. The choice is between trying & death, so I will try.