I posted a poem about the image of rainbow water a few days ago, and I feel a strong desire to explain how the image came to me and WHY the image is so important to me & my recovery.
The rainbow water visualization spurred the beginning of inner healing for me. As long as I can remember, my selves have been fragmented and inaccessible to one another. Meaning, my adult self could not dialogue with my inner child or teenage self. The evolution of my integration has manifested in my meditations.
I first meditated at age 18, guided by a friend to find a calming place. The place was a hidden wood, filled with all my fragmented selves. Each self was next to the other, but the wood was a chaotic cacophony of self-hate. In the middle of the wood, a pool of water shone with rainbow light. I found a tunnel of rainbow light in the bottom of the pool but couldn’t find the end of the tunnel or the source of the rainbow light.
Fast forward 17 years. At age 35, I joined OA and restarted my meditation journey earnestly. Instead of being in the hidden wood, I found myself in an infinite field. The openness contrasted starkly with the darkness of the wood. As I explored the field, I found another rainbow pool. Once more, I dove into the pool and found a tunnel. This time, I found the end of the tunnel – it was the hidden wood but my fragmented selves no longer haunted it.
Where did they go? And what was the source of the rainbow pool?
In subsequent meditations, I found an infinite tree in the infinite field. The tree was humanity in the temporal world, and all my fragmented selves were buried under the roots of the tree. My inner child was trapped so far below the tree that she was in another world entirely – a world of storms, pain and confusion.
Continued meditation revealed the source of the rainbow pool. A ribbon of rainbow water fell from Mama Brigid through the apex of the sky into the tree, into the pool, into life.
I studied the water and found it was made of individual droplets of rainbow water. Each drop representing an eternal human life, dignified and worthy. We are all rainbow water. We are all divine.
In the last few weeks, the integration of my selves began. I was able to follow the rainbow water through the tree and into the graves of my fragmented selves. The rainbow water coursed through the veins of my hidden selves, and they were able to follow the rainbow water through the tree and stand by my side. Together, we journeyed through the roots of the tree riding in the rainbow water into the world of my inner child.
We braved the storms and found her, huddled and alone, afraid and hopeless. We gathered around her, a tribe of selves offering consolation and healing. The rainbow water dispersed the storms and little Alayna was able to stand and see the rainbow water in herself. We were able to all hold hands and repeat, “It’s not my fault, it’s not my fault, we are worthy, we are worthy.”
I continue to be fragmented in meditation, but now that I know the locations of my selves and how to release them from their graves and tortuous world, it becomes easier with each meditation to integrate and stand together as a unit. Healing has begun.
The beginning of healing triggered an intense relapse into food and compulsive food behaviors. Fear of integration and forgiving myself overwhelmed me. For over a week, disease ran rampant through my mind. Of course, I stopped all meditation and crawled into myself. I came extremely close to simply deleting my therapist and all my OA contacts from my phone and giving up.
Disease told me, “You’re not worth it. See? You are not worthy of the attention of a higher power. You are not worthy of being around fellowship. You are not worthy of anything, let alone feeling good about yourself. Just go hide and eat.”
So I did.
I stood in the dark, hiding from my husband, eating and eating to numb the pain. I drove in circles to eat by myself. I hid food in my pockets, so I could isolate to eat. I did every compulsive food behavior in my history in the week of disease. The compulsive behaviors and eating muted Higher Power. I couldn’t hear Brigid, and I just knew it was my fault.
Somehow, enough of Twelve Step and Higher Power was inside of me that I texted my sponsor. I also amazingly went to therapy even though it was the VERY LAST thing I wanted to do. I was in intense psychic pain and did not want to talk about it or process it.
I wanted to hide. I wanted to eat. I wanted to let disease control me again.
But I didn’t. I stuck one toe into the light of willingness and went to therapy. After therapy, I called my sponsor. I’ve been abstinent since that night.
It was 5 days ago. I am grateful for EVERY SINGLE abstinent moment in the past 5 days. I will not say I had my last binge. I had my most recent binge. Saying ‘last binge’ makes me somehow feel that I’m fixed.
I will never be fixed. I will always need Brigid. I will always need twelve step. I will always need fellowship. I will always need recovery.
One moment at a time, I breathe to remember that I am made of rainbow water.
We are all made of rainbow water.