Suffering in Recovery

Ok,  so I have body issues. I binged in part to be protected by a layer of fat. It is easier to slide away from attention and hide as a fat person.
A side effect of abstinence from food abuse is a smaller body. I have anxiety and fear when people comment on my size, and I worry I will inevitably regain as every other time. I am also scared by the increase in male attention. The defective behaviors (anxiety, fear) come swift and powerful, but Higher Power, Lord and Lady, God and Goddess free me if I ask.
I pray for the willingness to enter in a world in which Alayna is a normal body size. A world in which Alayna is free from compulsive eating,  one day at a time.
I pray for the willingness to a be a smaller size in order to be a loving and present person for loved ones.
A few nights ago during my 10th step call, my sponsor acknowledged that a smaller body size is a suffering for me. Strange,  I know. It is a sacrifice to shed the protection of morbid obesity.
The sacrifice must be borne for the sake of program and service.  Not engaging in compulsive eating or behaviors is the will of HP.
My smaller body size is a side effect of my growing self love.  I trust HP that it will not always be so hard to be a smaller body size. HP will grant me strength.

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2 thoughts on “Suffering in Recovery

  1. I just have to say that I appreciate how honest you are about your raw emotions and reactions. All of your thoughts are a reflection of mine. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

    Like

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