I Will Always Be an Addict

As a child of addiction, I learned early to hide from my feelings by using food as sedation. My father’s drug addiction was replaced by obsessive exercise, work and church. He will always be an addict. My mom’s food addiction continues to this day. She will always be an addict. I will always be an addict.

Food calls to me, a siren song of blissful ignorance, a twisted and tortuous pleasure. Each compulsive bite buries me until my feelings are foreign.

I had a rough day today. I didn’t speak my mind or defend myself when someone misunderstood my intentions. I quickly accede guilt even if its unfounded. I carry with me a deep need for punishment. It is a defect that I pray for the willingness to let go and let HP.

The lost child inside me wants to hide in the food, wants to rake nails over my skin, wants to beat myself in the head. She needs comfort, she needs love and attention.

Breathing, I soothe my inner lost child.

The punitive parent is quietening. I am ok. I learn to visualize myself speaking my mind. I willingly ask Brigid to remove fear and self punishment from me. I willingly give her my anger at myself for being meek. I willingly give her my anxiety and the obsessive repetition of the guilt inducing misunderstanding. I let go of the negativity; I uncurl my inner child’s fist from around the painful feelings.

It is ok to let go.

It is ok to forgive myself.

It is ok to love myself.

I will always be an addict. I pray for a reprieve for the next 3 hours. I pray for the willingness to be willing.

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