Poetic OA Newcomer Story

The silver chip I received at my first meeting 39 days ago hung over my galloping heart. My struggle with denial and the 1^st step escalated as my OA friend and I navigated the Mississippi dark toward the regional retreat.
The next morning was a picturesque fall day. I walked to the labyrinth and reread my half-finished poem started in 2001 but never finished because I lacked an ending. I prayed, cried, and prayed more as I walked. When I reached the labyrinth center, I fell to my knees sobbing for HP’s help. I wrote as inspiration flowed and denial vanished.

“Addict”

carb crack queen
get me a fix
down at the  BK,
DQ, Mickey D.

ravenous guilt, slab of shame.

tuck in tight jeans, girl –  erupting flesh.
keep it down, girl.
keep it down.
keep it down girl.
keep it down.

tightrope, jump rope,
take me back to Momma.
umbilical calorie cord
siphons love to me.
we’re no pretty packages,
ribbons bowed for Daddy.
mass anchors deep fears.

childhood friend hangs at the hip,  jiggles –
Hello.
warm flaccid embrace.
what do I do, with or without you?
blubber bloated girl,
best of all friends. blubber bloated girl,
you loving me makes me hate me,
but can I really be –  with or without you?

hatred is low, comfortable, easy,
cocoons me constant
warm barbed wire
flesh blanket.

the slow suicide by spoon
sickens me, terrifies me, calms me,  whispers,
“You don’t matter –  take refuge in food.”
But I say from my corner,  huddled in despair,
“Food is NOT my friend.
Blubber bloated girl  may be all I know,
but now I know I can be free.”

I walk into the rooms,
place my trembling hand in the Fellowship
and my anxious heart in the care of the Universe.
Today, I say,

“My name is Alayna, and I am a compulsive eater. 

I am powerless over food and my life is unmanageable.”

After completing the poem, I dried my tears and returned to the retreat. During the next share, I astounded myself and endured panic when I read my poem. The reception of my share was generous and sweet. I knew the power of the fellowship and HP was at work. The next morning, I took a walk through the woods. Anxiety over abstinence and eliminating trigger foods was lifted. I gave gratitude to HP for freeing me, leading me to OA and giving me the courage to share. Then HP spoke to me again and another poem flowed to me. I read it to my new OA friends during the next share with a full heart and a calm spirit.

“Rejoice”

Rejoice, O, Rejoice
for what has been lifted from me!
Rejoice, O, Rejoice  for joy and serenity!

Rejoice, O, Rejoice
for the knowledge I can be free!
Rejoice, O, Rejoice  for the fellowship and empathy!
Rejoice, O, Rejoice  for the Creator of all that was and is to be!

Rejoice, O, Rejoice  for the knowledge that we can be free!