Moving the Dirt

I literally moved 4 square feet of dirt today to make room for my son’s new kiddie pool. Summer is here and Man Cub desperately wants to splash. I was drenched with sweat shoveling dirt, and Man Cub dashed around collecting worms for his different teams “Rainbow Brite” & “Starfish Sunshine”. I am still uncertain what the worm teams compete in, but it was fun nonetheless.

I wish I had been able to more present for his joy of worm teams. I was drenched in sweat and shame and unable to engage. Saturday night, I broke my abstinence at 1 am. I willfully and stubbornly waited for my husband to go to sleep, so I could eat completely in isolation.

I knew as I was binging that I would feel like shit the next morning. I nonetheless consumed and consumed and consumed food to fill some ache inside of me.

This morning when I told my sponsor about the binge, she told me to read step 10 in the Big Book. I finally got around to reading it tonight at 9 pm. As I read, I realized resentments yesterday & today both caused me to overreact with food. The Big Book tells us when we find a resentment, we discuss it, make amends then do service.

I moved the pile of dirt today for my son’s pool. I moved the pile of dirty disease thoughts tonight when I discussed them with Wookie, made amends to him and focused on how to be of service to my loved ones & community. Moving the dirt of our resentments through calm discussion clears our minds from soiled disease thoughts. Then we make amends for our part and focus on service. The amends & service grow new life for us – life free from the confines of self.

The disease dirt I had to discuss with Wookie……

I feel so silly that a pair of pants upsets me so badly. I put on a pair of pants yesterday expecting them to be kinda tight. The last time I tried them on, the waistband cut into my flesh. Yesterday, they nearly fell down at times. A morbidly obese woman ought to be happy about being smaller, right?

Wrong.

Being smaller makes me really anxious. Really, really, really anxious. So anxious that I willfully and stubbornly made choices that led to the fridge at 1 am last night.

As I ate, I felt comforted and relaxed. I felt loved as I was self sabotaging. Self sabotage is strong in me. A very strong defect that I trust Higher Power will remove in Their own time. God & Goddess are with me even in the moments of despair and depression. Higher Power is always with us.

This morning, the shame and the guilt over the binge had me edgy and quick to be upset. Binges engage my defective behavior, trigger the defects to explode into the world.

Thus, when Wookie made different dinner than planned, I got very upset. I didn’t talk to him, so I just became sulky and pensive. I am sensitive about food & my body, and he understands. When I finally told him about the triggers of the pants & different foods, he was very understanding and I feel much better.

The resentments attached to the pants & different food. I’m pissed I’m body dysmorphic & a compulsive eater. It sucks to mad about having edamame instead of green beans for dinner. It sucks to be so anxious about having a smaller body (especially the male gaze part). It really sucks. So, yeah, it is a resentment, and I owe amends.

Amends to myself because I was quite harsh to myself for having psychological disorders. Amends to Wookie, Man Cub & Auntie for harshing on the lovely dinner & movie night.

Thank you for letting me share. Together, we get better.

-Alayna H.