Yes, addiction does suck.
To insanely & intensely desire a substance that destroys my life is one giant ball of suck.
I want to leave my ball of sucky addiction and go play with the normals. The people that can have a drink and not binge. To be a person that can eat a single cookie and not be obsessing about the next food. A person that can enjoy a light buzz and not drink to get drunk.
That person is not me.
I have the giant ball of suck, but hey. That’s life. We all get different kinds of suck, but we can together “trudge the road of Happy Destiny” together.
I tried a new cognitive technique my therapist taught me. My negative emotion of being angry was being caused by the thought of “WHY ME?!?! I want to be able to eat a bowl of fresh pasta made by my talented husband, but I can’t because I’m an addict.” Once I identified the triggering thought, I thought of something to create a feeling of power. Power is opposite of anger on the emotion wheel.
So I thought about how I am glad to know I have a disease. I am glad to know the solution of the Twelve Steps and the love of Fellowship. My life before Overeaters Anonymous was a perpetual food fog. I was either in the food or I was in whatever diet or exercise program was the next FIX. My fixes were sporadic, so I have always been consistently heavy. My fixes were mostly destructive in one way or another: I binged, I restricted, I purged, I used laxatives and abused exercise to pure calories. I was a wreck. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically. I was 10 pounds from my all time high of 360.
I sobbed during my first 2 shares. I sobbed when I read my first OA inspired poem. I sobbed when I did 6th step. I have sobbed a lot during 8th step.
Forgiveness is an art that is difficult to master.
I am eternally grateful for the 12 steps because they are a guidebook to peace & sanity. The 12 steps tell me to turn my will over to Higher Power and heed what has been proven to work: abstinence from trigger foods AND triggering food behaviors. Service to OA. Using our talents to help other suffering addicts.
We are not alone. Together, we get better.