In my 20 months in OA, I have begun to see patterns emerge regarding my abstinence and binge thoughts and cravings. I have made 30 days three times in program. Each time, a binge soon followed which led to full on relapse. Each relapse is discouraging and frustrating, but I have recently began to view […]
Tag: Higher Power
Snakes:My Addiction Nightmare
Dreams lead to knowing through the darkness of unknowing. The irrational and fantastic beasts and situations stem from a place deep inside – a place desperately needing attention and release; a place of instinct and innate wisdom; a place of fear and love; a place of being. The snakes are made strong by us. They […]
Causes & Conditions
Abstinence for me is a blessed reprieve in the chaos of life. Unfortunately, my pattern over the last 20 months in OA is to sabotage that reprieve and make my abstinence as shitty as I think I deserve. Pygmalion effect, right? yep. So today, I rooted down through my fear and anger about being abstinent. […]
Soaring on my Batwings
I am doing a sixth and seventh step study with my sponsor using Drop the Rock. When I apply myself to being in contact with Higher Power and striving to live the principles, glorious things happen like the gem of today. It was a sweet day with my husband and child. We swam in the […]
Act as if
Act as if I am secure in trust, faith, and hope. Act as if I accept my powerlessness over The depression that fades my mother to a ghost of herself, A shade welcoming the shadows, A mother disappearing into disease. Act as if I accept my powerlessness over The addiction that changes my husband From […]
Victory
Ego A, ego A, always, always ego A. End of day, start of day, always, always ego A. Control, control, me, me, me, always, always ego A. Ego A, go away, ego A, do as I say! Ego A, why did you not go away? Ego A, ego A, now? I pray! Mama B, Mama […]
Gardener
Will I vanish with abstinence? Will I disappear, a hollow woman devoid of defect? Will I disintegrate , a ghost a binges past? Will Blubber Bloated Girl become a bubble and pop from existence? Higher Power, program and fellowship guide me towards freedom, and I tremble, my fear a gaping pit of unknown in my […]
Suffering in Recovery
Ok, so I have body issues. I binged in part to be protected by a layer of fat. It is easier to slide away from attention and hide as a fat person. A side effect of abstinence from food abuse is a smaller body. I have anxiety and fear when people comment on my size, […]
Filling up Day Four
Tonight, an expanse of time awaits me. 2 hours or even all the hours of the night if I insanely ignore HP & decide to drink. My son is asleep, so my addictions come out to play. I named my addiction Umbra. I shall share the poem with you in a separate post. Tonight, I […]
Hunk of Cheese
I went to sleep last night with a hunk of cheese and deli meat in my pocket. All wrapped up in paper towel. Then husband came to bed early. I couldn’t go put it away or leave to eat without arousing suspicion. So I went to sleep with a hunk of cheese in my pocket. […]
